"The Natural Outgrowth of Memorizing Ephesians 4 at a Young Age"
Below is a copy of the email I sent to my parents to try to explain why I am becoming Orthodox. As I say in the email, it is not meant to be an apologetic work, it does not defend Orthodoxy against its Protestant detractors. There are many other, better things to read that will do that (that I enumerate at the end if you're looking for interesting reading material).
My purpose is to show you all my heart and to hopefully show you how the Holy Spirit has been alive and well in me. It's a very personal account that I labored over a year ago when I was finally ready to have this conversation with my parents. Please, please, please do not start a discussion or argument over any of these social media sites. If you would like to ask more questions or hear more of the story, I would be so honored to chat with you, in fact, there are so many of you that I've dearly been wanting to catch up with anyway, and this might be a good facilitator for that!
Thank you all for being a part of my life: for the prayers you've prayed and impact you've had. I love you all.
May 12, 2016
Hi Mom and Dad,
I have been composing this email for a very long time, first in my head, then in notes in my journal and on my phone and then this email that's been sitting in my drafts box for months. I've been putting it off because you know that I'm a peace-maker and I don't like having to bring up things that could cause arguments. But I know that talking about this is the right thing to do and procrastinating the inevitable is not good.
I'm just going to come right out and say it: I'm going to be baptized into the Eastern Orthodox Church very soon. I hate how sad this is might make you, but I know it's the right thing to do and I'm tired of trying to walk in the middle of the road.
Before I offer a brief explanation, let me say that I am profoundly grateful for the faith that you've instilled in me. You were the first people to ever show God's love to me and you gave me everything I needed to pursue God and His Will for my life. Your legacy to me has been "Put God First Daily" and that is what I'm trying to do. In a lot of ways, you both started me on my journey towards Orthodoxy by teaching me to "search for wisdom as for hidden treasure" (Prov. 2:4) though "it cost all that you have" (Prov. 4:7). I'm so thankful for your guidance and love. I hope you know that I'm truly trying to honor you in this decision.
I hope you don't think that this has been a quick decision just because I haven't talked to you about it. This decision has been the result of a lot of time, prayer, reading and discussion. I would say that I first started seriously exploring it in 2013. When I first went with Maggie to Pascha in 2012, I was struck by the beauty and the joy of Orthodoxy. When Maggie became Orthodox, I had been reading "The Dust off Their Feet," by Brian McLaren and Chris Seay. It was (and still is) super trendy to be interested in Ancient Practices of the Church and I thought that that book would discuss a good way for Evangelicals to participate in the life of the Ancient Church. As I read it, however, it seemed like the writer's weren't actually interested in Church History or doing things like the early church did them at all. They were just looking for the next cool thing to do with their church. I was a little disenchanted by evangelicalism's "Ancient Practice Trend." When I started going to The Garden in 2013, the story was the same. "The Ancient Church" would come up a lot in sermons, but the leadership would filter everything they saw in the ancient church through a 21st Century lens and pick and choose what they liked.
Around that same time, I started reading "Becoming Orthodox" by Peter Gillquist. That book was a big part of my decision-making process. Here was a group of people who totally "spoke my language." They were just a group of Campus Crusade Leaders who actually wanted to know what the Early Church was like and what they could do to embrace the vision of Acts. They wanted to love God genuinely, share Jesus openly, and live a life set apart for Christ--- all the things that I want to make my life about! They embarked on a three year long research project and ended up in the Eastern Orthodox Church. They were asking the same questions 40 years ago that I was asking in 2013: What is the nature of Truth? How did the early church worship? If the Scriptures did not always exist in their current form and were compiled by men, how are they the basis for all our doctrine, and how should they be interpreted? Where did the Eastern Church's ideas of the Eucharist come from? How can we embrace God's timeless truth in the 21st century? Why does Modern Evangelicalism embrace some parts of Sacramental living while rejecting others? All of these questions where discussed in a very open, easy fashion. The fact that these people had already gone on the same journey that I was starting was very helpful for me.
On top of my disenchantment, 2013 was also when I started having dreams about Orthodoxy. Now, don't hear me wrong. I'm not becoming Orthodox because I feel like I had prophetic dreams about it. I did have prophetic dreams about it, but those merely justified what I was already thinking. I'm becoming Orthodox because of a good many rational reasons, but the dreams helped to clarify what was in my heart and helped me stop trying to deny what God was trying to get me to do. Then promptings from the Holy Spirit pushed me "over the edge."
My first dream (I would have to look up the date in my journal, but I'm pretty sure it was Spring 2013) started out in a really scary way where I was being followed by someone who wanted to hurt me. I hid out in a public bathroom (dreams are weird!) until it became apparent that he was still going to get in and hurt me. Then I was lifted into the air and just floated away from danger only to fly for a bit, then I was transported to some kind of baby shower (or bridal shower... it wasn't apparent) with a bunch of Orthodox people. They were all people that I recognized from the parties and hangouts that I had accompanied Maggie to in the last year. Besides them all being Orthodox, I had such an overwhelming sense of peace that I was safe and that I was where I was supposed to be. In my dream, I felt like someone was going to judge me or think I was dangerous for having a man chase me, but everyone was very accepting of me and supportive of the fact that I had just experienced something traumatic. I remember crying when I woke up because of how movingly peaceful it was to be extremely scared and then extremely tranquil.
In another dream (this one is the most recent, probably from Spring 2015), I was in a huge mansion. I sort of "appeared" there in my dream. I had no idea where I was or what I was doing there, but I knew what it felt like: immensely peaceful. There were all these priests around, and tons of people in the mansion, sitting at plastic folding tables (like the kind you see at church functions). There were tons of people around, but it didn't seem crowded. I went wandering around the mansion and realized that the mansion extended out in every direction without stopping. I kept wandering around, but I never felt lost. That's when I realized that I was in heaven. The deep peace and beauty and endless nature of the mansion made that very apparent. You know how in dreams you just know where you are? That's what it was like. The strange thing was that there were all these Orthodox priests wandering around in their huge hats and black robes. All the people in the mansion seemed like they were preparing for something (setting up tables, bringing food from room to room), there was an excited buzz. Then I realized that they were all preparing for The Wedding Feast of the Lamb. It's hard to describe the joy and peace that washed over me during the dream.
So the dreams are a very interesting footnote in my journey. Last spring, the few times I would go to Church with Maggie, I realized that I knew more people and felt more loved, accepted and connected at St. Barnabas than at The Garden, even though I had been serving in Children's Ministry and been active in a Community Group at The Garden. I realized I either needed to become Orthodox or stop spending so much time with Orthodox people!
The thing, however, that tipped me "over the edge," was actually the pastors at The Garden. The Holy Spirit used them to continually highlight God's call to the Orthodox Church. Several times last spring, they would reference the Eastern Church: my pastor started calling communion "Eucharist" because he wanted it to hold the deep meaning that the Eastern Church has for it. Several times they would reference something in the liturgy, "I just love the incense! It symbolizes the prayers of the people! It's very Old Testament!" "I just love the seasons of the Church Calendar, it really helps you create space in your life for God," "This is truly Sacramental! Jesus's incarnation makes it possible for us to make heaven come to earth! Life should be sacramental!"
Then, The Garden moved into a series that emphasized obedience and the reciprocal nature of what God trusts you with (God will only call you deeper when you've demonstrated obedience in your everyday life). I kept feeling like I was in the wrong place, and that God was truly calling me away from the Garden. One day last June, I actually started trying to convince one of my friend's boyfriends to become Orthodox! When that happened, I realized that I was really running from God and that I needed to stop hiding in the comfort of The Garden. Another day, after going to the Garden, I was journaling. I said, "I feel like you used to trust me with more. If there's something that's holding me back from growing, please help me be obedient." And in that thought, the Holy Spirit interrupted me and said, "I've already told you what I want you to do. You already know where you should be and what you should be doing." So that's when I started going to St. Barnabas every Sunday (last August). I attended the Catechism class starting in October and I actually could have been baptized in April, but I knew I needed to get up the courage to tell you guys before I could dive in.
I know there's a lot that you don't agree with in the Orthodoxy, but this email isn't meant to be a defense of Orthodoxy. I just wanted to share what has been on my heart for the past three years in the hopes that you both will show me the same grace and love that you showed to Maggie when she walked this road. I'm sure if you want to talk particular doctrine or issues, I can tell you where I've landed (but mostly just point you towards those wiser than I). I bet this email won't come as a complete shock to you, since we've had discussions where I've argued for the Orthodox position before, and I'm sure you've noticed how many of the people from St. Barnabas that I know... But if it does shock and offend you, know that my only intention is to honor you both as I "put off my old self... to be made new in the attitude of my mind; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness," and grow in the Fullness of Christ and His Church (I know you recognize our favorite passage in Eph.4!).
I love you so much and hope you know that I'm making this decision partly to honor the legacy of faith that you both have given me! Can't wait to see you on Sunday!
~Colleen, Calli-Bear, SLB
So there it is. Here are links to "those wiser than I:"
A small compendium of conversion stories (actually, this whole website is littered with interesting conversion stories, some of which have more complete, apologetic emphasis)
Please let me know if you have any questions and again, please, please, please do not use my Facebook or blog as a place to unload any anger or as a place to start an argument. It will be deleted.
Beautifully written and also heartfelt. I'm saving for future reference. Thanks, Cal.
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